I didn’t heal or cope with my losses until 2020. I didn’t have anyone to help me through the journey, but I wish I did. Things would’ve been so different for me, but I wouldn’t be here telling my story now (God’s Plan). I’ve always been the one to help those close to me on their journey of loss, even though I never dealt with my feelings. When I heard God say it was time to help the multitude. My healing started in October 2020 when I decided to start telling my story of loss to everyone (Facebook/Instagram). I was very nervous, but I knew it had to be done. With the help of some amazing people, my story was shared, and I had finally BROKEN THE SILENCE.
My first loss was Shante’. On September 29, 2006, I went in to see my baby for the 1st time, only to find out that there was no heartbeat. Sitting in the room waiting on the doctor seemed like hours. The tears were falling, and I wondered how this happened and why me. Five days on October 3rd, I entered a hospital and was induced. Around 8 am, I remember the nurse coming in to check on me and saying, "Your baby is coming; you don't feel that." After a few pushes, my baby was born, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I had no emotions at all. I was numb (not from meds), but I knew she wouldn't be coming home with me.
My second loss was Baby C. At the end of September 2007, I discovered I was about six weeks pregnant. I found a doctor, but they were booked and couldn't see me until late October. For me, that was fine. I was taking my prenatal vitamins and doing what I needed to. Fast forward to my appointment with a new doctor. Of course, I'm nervous, but I'm excited. The excitement ended when the doctor said he couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. Tears slowly fell as I just sat and listened to my next steps. I only remember hearing, "It seems that your body isn't going to miscarriage, so you have to have a D&C." I had no questions. I was just ready to go home. I had heard enough. There was so much on my mind, a few things being, "Why me? Why is this happening again? What am I doing wrong?" On November 1, 2007, I underwent day surgery to have a D&C. I never met this little one, but I always felt like Baby C was my boy.
My third loss was Ne’Vaeh Zayonna: Sometime around February/March 2008, I found out I was pregnant from a visit to the emergency room. Because of the two losses I had already gone through. I was terrified, but who wouldn't be? I told them I needed a new OB and wanted a woman. I was referred to one of the best. Having looked at my records and getting the back story from me, she told me, "We're going to get through this pregnancy together." Everything was going well! At each appointment, I always saw my doctor. At my last appointment with my doctor in early June, she did an ultrasound and told me it was a girl! How excited I was! I already knew her name, and we would be good for the next four months. July 14, 2008, was my appointment to get an ultrasound for measurements and to see how things were going. I wasn't nervous, but I knew everything was good. The technologist came in and started the ultrasound. I could see a blank look on her face. I immediately asked what was wrong, but she didn't answer. She went to get someone else, and this lady moved the doppler around, looked at me with tears, and said, "I'm sorry, Ms. Gloyd, we can't find her heartbeat." They left. I called my doctor and told her what I had been told. She told me to come to her office. Once I arrived, I went back, and she explained that I would have to be induced and that they couldn't tell from the ultrasound what had happened.
"IT WAS HAPPENING AGAIN! WHY ME?"
I was admitted, and I had several visitors who tried to lift my spirits and keep me smiling, but I knew my baby wasn't coming home. I started having contractions but didn't know (I thought they were cramps). One of my friends said, "Girl, you are having contractions." They didn't hurt, so I said, "I'm good." My day goes on, and around 11 pm, the nurse comes in to check on me and tells me I’ll have a baby by midnight. I called my mama and told her what they said. She responded, "Tell them to wait until I get there." She and my doctor arrived at the same time. She checked me and said, "It's time to push."
After three pushes, Ne'Vaeh Zayonna entered at 12:05 am on July 15. 2008 - only weighing 1 lb, 1oz. She was beautiful; the only thing wrong with her was that she was sleeping and wouldn't wake up😭😭. I later found out, after testing, that I had clotting in my placenta and umbilical cord. I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid syndrome. For most women, it affects them throughout their life. For me, it only affects me when I'm pregnant. After my third loss, I finally had some answers. Antiphospholipid syndrome meant that all pregnancies from there on out would have to be planned.
Seven years later, around the end of May 2015, I started feeling sick (remembering what I had been told, I took a pregnancy test, which was positive). I told no one about this, not even my husband. I called my doctor and made an appointment. She asked all the questions and made me pee on a stick (it was also positive), but she also sent me for blood work. A few days later, she called and told me I was pregnant, but I was only four weeks. So I kept this secret from everyone, yes, even my husband. I was working on a plan to surprise him for Father's day because, by that time, I would be six weeks. The Friday of Father's day weekend, I couldn't hold it anymore and told him. I was scheduled to see my doctor that Monday. Late Friday evening, I started having really bad abdominal pain, and because of the previous losses, I immediately went to the emergency room. The support was real that night. My family and friends filled St. Joe's ER. I was called to the back, and when I went to the restroom, there was nothing but blood, and I knew I was having a miscarriage. They ran a test and told me there was nothing there. How could nothing be there? I just had a positive test and blood work. "Why is this happening to me again?" On Father's Day, I experienced my fourth loss! I went to my doctor that Monday, and she told me that I had a chemical pregnancy. I was confused because I'd never heard of this. A chemical pregnancy is considered anything before five weeks, and most doctors don't consider it a pregnancy. Let me tell you, it's still a pregnancy, and it's still hard to deal with!!!
Published: November 13, 2022