What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Who's Grieving the Loss of a Child

When someone is grieving the loss of a child, it can feel impossible to find the right words. While nothing you say can take away their pain, offering compassion and support can make a meaningful difference. Conversely, even well-intentional remarks can unintentionally hurt.

Here’s a guide on what to say—and what to avoid—when comforting someone who’s experienced this profound loss.

A hug is the biggest way to show your love for a family or friend who has experienced pregnancy and infant loss.

What to Say

1. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Logic: A simple, heartfelt expression of sympathy acknowledges their pain without attempting to “fix” it.

2. I’m here for you.

Logic: This reassures them that they are not alone and that your support is available whenever they need it.

3. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.

Logic: This validates the enormity of their loss and avoids minimizing their grief.

4. Would you like to share more about [child’s name]?

Logic: Inviting them to talk about their child shows that you honor their memory and that their life mattered.

5. Take all the time you need to grieve.

Logic: Grief has no timeline, and reminding them of this can ease pressure to “move on.”

6. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling.

Logic: Grief is complex and can involve a wide range of emotions. Let them know their feelings are valid.

What Not to Say

1. Everything happens for a reason.

Logic: While meant to comfort, this phrase can feel dismissive or even hurtful, as it suggests their loss is part of a greater plan.

2. At least you have other children.

Logic: Minimizing their grief by focusing on what they haven’t lost invalidates their pain. Each child is irreplaceable.

3. I know exactly how you feel.

Logic: Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, everyone’s grief journey is unique. Instead, say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

4. They’re in a better place.

Logic: While some find comfort in spiritual beliefs, this statement can feel dismissive of the parent’s immediate pain.

5. You’ll have another child.

Logic: The loss of a child cannot be replaced by the possibility of another. Statements like this minimize the unique bond with the child they’ve lost.

6. Be strong.

Logic: Encouraging strength can discourage them from expressing their emotions. Grieving openly is part of healing.

Other Ways to Support Someone Grieving the Loss of a Child

• Offer specific help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” suggest tangible ways you can assist, such as delivering meals, running errands, or simply sitting with them in silence.

• Be present: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is listen without trying to offer solutions.

• Follow up: Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. Check in regularly, especially during anniversaries or holidays, to remind them they’re not forgotten.

A Gentle Reminder

When in doubt, lead with kindness and empathy. Even if you stumble or feel unsure, your genuine presence and willingness to support will mean more than any perfect words.

If you or someone you know needs additional resources for coping with grief, the United By Loss Foundation is here to help. Reach out to us or explore our support groups for more guidance.

Remember: Love and compassion are always the right choice.